My Struggles Dealing With Stress

It has been several days since I’ve had the inclination, energy, desire, ability, or brainpower to write after my workday. Nearly one month after they flipped the switch on the integration for my department at the merged company, the gifts of transition keep giving.  Are they necessarily bad? Not at all! But change is stressful even in the most positive circumstances. I can see that I will like my new role. However, the challenges of morphing into the new structure are palpable.  So it was no surprise that my dentist recommended I use a mouth-guard at night to prevent my grinding my pearly whites to nubs before I retire.

I’ve already bitten through and destroyed 2 custom mouth guards. I am not willing to undergo the process of having a third created nor do I relish the financial output not covered by my dental insurance to have a 3^rd custom product designed. So, I’ve decided to use an over-the-counter product at $30 a shot to see if I get a bigger bang for my buck. Time will tell.

Since yoga and gardening alone are not relieving my tension, I decided to focus on the characteristics I want to cultivate to thrive in my new environment. One of the tools I learned during my years in Al Anon was to consider something for which I feel gratefulness using every letter of the Alphabet. So, today while in Shivasana during my yoga practice I concentrated on what I want to cultivate in my life:

A-    Acceptance

B-    Beauty

C-    Confidence

D-   Delight

E-    Empathy

F-    Fairness

G-    Gratitude

H-   Happiness

I-     Independence

J-     Joy

K-   Kindness

L-    Love

M-  Mindfulness

N-   Namaste

O-   Open Mindedness

P-    Peace

Q-   Quiet

R-    Resourcefulness

S-    Serenity

T-    Tranquility

U-   Understanding

V-    Vivaciousness

W-  Wonder

Z – Zestiness

The Secret Language of Stones A Daughters of La Lune Novel by M.J. Rose ~ A Book Review

One of the delightful benefits of my membership with Bookbrowse.com is the occasional privilege of reading a galley of a soon to be published book in exchange for an honest review.

This evening I completed reading The Secret Language of Stones. This is not a book I ordinarily would have purchased if I’d seen it on Amazon.com.  While I love historical fiction, strong women characters and intrigue, this novel also includes elements of mysticism, the occult and witchery, which I enjoyed during the 1990’s when Ann Rice wrote The Witching Hour novels, but have long since abandoned.

But I found myself intrigued and completely engrossed in The Secret Language of Stones and plan to read more novels by M.J. Rose. This story centers on Opaline, the descendent of La Lune, a 16^th Century courtesan and witch who passed her powers and spells to select females in the line.  Opaline has the gift or curse, depending upon one’s perspective.

The story takes place in Paris during World War I. Opaline is working as a jewelry apprentice to Russian émigré’s who have escaped the Bolshevik Revolution. She decides to use her burgeoning gifts to create amulets or talismans using stones, gold and the hair or bits of keepsakes from dead soldiers who give her one last message to give some sense of peace to the loved ones of those who fought for France.

It did take me several chapters to engage with the story, but I ultimately found myself drawn into the story and unable to put the book down.  The writing is beautifully descriptive and almost lyrical. I could imagine myself living in Paris 1916 hiding in bomb shelters when the Germans attacked and then defiantly going into the streets to live life.

This book, which will be published in July 2016, is charmingly evocative of early 20^th Century Paris mixed with Russian expatriate angst about the fate of the Tsar and his family and hereditary magic. Really enjoyed it!

Therapy on the Mat & Unresolved Issues~

It happened again this evening. For me it seems to be a seasonal experience – something that affects me during the springtime.   As I moved into savasana or final relaxation or corpse pose, tears leaked from my eyes. In the past I had thoughts and smells of my paternal grandfather. This evening I recalled sadness from my childhood when Ricky Kreigbaum and LeeAnn Weingardner died from leukemia and I lost my maternal grandparents and great aunts and uncles and wasn’t able to say goodbye.

Apparently I had unresolved grief. And through yoga I’ve been able to find spirituality through the movement and breathing that I needed to heal. The first time it happened I was completely disconcerted. I smelled my grandfather, heard his voice, and felt his presence while tears flowed. It was around the 25^th anniversary of his death and I’d never felt right that I hadn’t been there for the end and had been unable to attend his funeral because I was living in Asia at the time.

Yet this evening what brought my tears was something that I’d not thought about in 50 years. My yoga practice helped me to appreciate that I had unresolved frustration that the prayers I offered for my sick classmates 50 years ago did not save them.  Wow! I also understood that I still felt the loss 50 years later of my maternal grandparents and greats aunts and uncles that died before I learned to appreciate them.

Perhaps it is associated with my uncertainty navigating the changes at work that triggered the underlying subconscious grief that I’ve carried with me for decades. Or maybe it is just a by-product of growth and letting go as I continue on my path.

In my childhood I did not embrace grief. I was young when I started losing those who were important to me and didn’t know how to process it. My religious upbringing taught me that when people died, they went to a better place. But I never accepted the loss in that way. And there were so many losses in such a short time and I did not have the emotional resources to deal with it.

This evening I concentrated on the asanas during practice and focused on alignment and my breath. I felt strong, confident, and in the zone, which more than likely helped me reach the conscious enlightenment that I needed to let go of long repressed pain.

So I shed some tears for Grandma and Grandpa Conroy, Aunt Kate, Uncle Mart, Aunt Esther, Aunt Lerna, the nuns that taught me at St. Bridget School, Father Meehan (the pastor of the church across the street), my Uncle Amos, and all of those I lost before I reached adulthood and learned to accept what is. And now I feel as if I’ve released them and set them free – Maybe I resented them for leaving me and hadn’t released the resentments. What a catharsis! Another gift of yoga!

Remembering to be Grateful for Blessings in the Midst of Change!

Suck it up, Buttercup! That is what my spousal unit said to me last week when I was expressing my angst about the changes taking place at my place of employment. We are in the midst of re-organization. People’s roles are changing. Titles, job descriptions, territories, scopes of influence, reporting structures, best practices, methods of doing business, and culture are all changing. It is disconcerting on the best days. It can feel overwhelming on the most challenging days.

But my husband’s  “suck it up, Buttercup” was a reminder that I have so many reasons to feel grateful. Yes, there are myriad changes afoot. Everybody from top to bottom must accept and adjust to the Brave New World. A learning curve is inevitable.

There are colleagues who are unhappy and resistant. But resistance is futile. Wishing for what was will not make what is any easier.

I am committed to embracing the changes to the best of my abilities. Since I have no control over these changes, I have two choices – I can decide to resent the situation; or I can decide to accept what is inevitable and do my best to move forward with a positive attitude.

Fortunately, I’ve learned after decades of trying to control the uncontrollable that I have control over only one thing – my attitude.  The friends and teachers that shared their experiences, strength and hope during my years in Al-Anon, where I sought and found recovery from living with those suffering from addiction, gave me the tools I can use in every aspect of my life to be focused on positivity, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to understand that over which I have no control. I am grateful for the road map that the 12 steps of Al Anon provided to live a happy life filled with peacefulness and an attitude of gratitude.

Sometimes I need reminding. So I do appreciate my husband making me laugh with the jolting, out of character “suck it up, Buttercup”!