The Failure of the US Political Class

Republicans and Democrats are decrying the inhumanity of the budget proposed by the current administration as Draconian because pet projects, redistribution of wealth from those who work to those who don’t work would be curtailed, and the increase of so called “entitlements” would be slowed. 

The definition of “entitlement” is the “belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges”. Please understand that the ONLY things that American CITIZENS are entitled to are the rights specified by the Constitution. Nobody is entitled to health care, a university education, food stamps, a job, a “safe space”, a world free of controversy, free lunch, a car, a cell phone, a house, designer clothes, soda, Cheetos, alcohol, cigarettes, welfare, the Internet, a good grade, a raise, insurance of any kind, television, a computer, payments by the government for not working, disability payments, a living wage, Medicaid, subsidized housing, a drivers’ license, cable, free passage across national borders, heat, credit, respect, or a job.

It is unconscionable to expect taxpayers to continue to subsidize unprofitable enterprises or subsidies to operations that cannot survive independently. Businesses divest themselves of divisions that are not profitable. If farmers cannot make a go of operations without subsidies, so be it. It Medicaid cannot support free healthcare for persons of a certain state that the state cannot fund, it is not to the wealthier state or citizen to fund that.

Everyday I see people with physical challenges working at companies such as Costco or Walmart, contributing to their own welfare and society. Those are the people I am willing to help. God and most Americans would gladly help those who help themselves. But we are a people of “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” citizens that, for the most part, believe that people should fend for themselves. Too many people use the excuse of disability to avoid work because they don’t want to work for minimum wage. People of my generation and those that came before were taught that no work is dishonorable. Sacrifice was lauded. Making do the norm. People worked extra jobs to make ends meet. Society did not OWE anybody anything they did not earn.

Progressives preach that every human is “entitled” to basic human needs.In an idealistic society, that would be true. But we do not exist in Utopia. If society is meant to meet the needs of the most vulnerable, then society will fill the void that government does not fill.

Our republican government was not established with the expectation that the employed, motivated, educated, world focused citizenry would pay taxes to subsidize lazy, undereducated, uneducated, unmotivated, undocumented, unintelligent, disabled,  unemployed, underemployed, narrow minded, underemployed, entitlement minded people. The fact that politicians of both major political parties care far more about retaining their seats in Congress than governing with an eye towards fiscal responsibility, national security, common sense, and pragmatism means the system is broken and likely cannot be rehabilitated.

It is my greatest hope that the United States of America does not go the way of the Roman or British empires and trickle into obscurity as an abject lesson in failed governance. 

Needs vs Luxuries in the 21st Century

There are reasons that affluent societies eventually fall. The people become accustomed to ease, forget the lessons of the past, lose the stomach for controversy, and believe they are entitled to luxuries. Hopefully, the America that we know and love will hit the reset button and revert to some extent to the values that created the greatest nation on earth.

There seems to be a belief among Progressives, Liberals, and apologists that every American, US legal resident or even illegal residents should be entitled to what those of us who grew up in the 1960s and 1970s  considered  luxuries.

Those of us who fall within the Baby Boomer Generation grew up at a time that was considered an affluent post WWII America. However, the affluence that everyday American’s enjoyed during those times would be considered abject poverty by today’s standards.

My husband, my friends and I came of age during a time where the average home had one telephone ( a black Bakelite rotary dial phone that was connected by a cord to the wall and then to the telephone lines outside). Long distance calls cost extra. We didn’t make long distance calls except on special occasions such as a birthday, Christmas, or a death in the family.

My family owned two cars. My parents paid cash. They saved their money to buy a new car every few years. If they couldn’t pay cash, they didn’t buy a new car. 

My family did not have junk food. We did not drink soda except on special occasions such as my Aunt’s wedding or when we visited Grandpa Copeland, or when we split one 7 Up on Saturday afternoons when Dad popped popcorn for lunch. We drank milk, water, or Kool-aid.

We did not have potato chips, candy, steak, fresh fish, Cheetos, Fritos, pizza, fast food, or desserts regularly. Mom cooked daily and stretched the meat by using rice, macaroni, or spaghetti with hamburger. After school my siblings and I were allowed 3 cookies each. 

Our house had one television with the basic channels — far less than 13. We played cards or board games or read books or visited with friends. There were no computers or video games. We played outside until it was dark. Our exposure to TV was limited. We couldn’t afford to go to the movies very often and snuck our own home made popcorn into  the cinema.

My siblings and I wore hand-me-downs and were grateful to have them when somebody with a “cool wardrobe” shared. A new outfit was a treat. We only bought shoes on sale. Yet we never felt deprived. And the fact that our parents were thrifty allowed us to go to college and travel.

Too many people living in the USA today believe they are entitled to luxuries paid for by the taxes of those of us who have worked hard, paid our dues, studied, worked crap jobs for less than minimum wage, fought to break barriers for women and people of color, endured hardship, overcame abuse or bad marriages and survived the vagaries of life. We deserve to keep what we have EARNED! If we have achieved a certain level of income through sheer determination, it is unjust to take our earnings to redistribute to those who are able bodied but unwilling to put in the same effort. Our parents were children of the Depression and knew deprivation. They were thrifty in adulthood and passed their experiences on to us. They washed and recycled plastic bags and tin foil. 

Most of those on public assistance today live far better than many of us who came of age during the age of Camelot. That is why I have no tolerance for 21st Century “Entitlements”. It just isn’t just!

Rituals of Death, Burying Mom’s Ashes & Remembering the Past

Before Mom died I never really focused on the rituals surrounding death in Western society beyond how to accurately portray mourning in the mid-19th Century as a Civil War Living Historian. While I experienced the loss of innumerable friends and family members over the years, I often grieved at a distance because of geographical distance, money, time, the passage of years separating us, thoughtlessness, not knowing what to say, or psychological inertia.

Funerals provide us with a ritual that allows us to publicly acknowledge a loved one has died, bring together the community of those who want to give love and support, to remember a life, to process the death, and give an opportunity to openly grieve. People come together to console one another and share remembrances.

Because Mom chose to be cremated and my dad didn’t want Mom to be buried in the cold, we waited until Mother’s Day to bury her ashes — approximately 4 1/2 months after the funeral. We had learned many years ago never to forget Mother’s Day; so it was appropriate to celebrate her life on this day. I was fearful the burial would serve to rip the scabs off the gaping wound in my heart and return my heartache to ground zero. But that isn’t what happened. Instead, my Dad, my brother, my sister, my husband, my parents’ neighbors of 58 years and a close family friend gathered at Mount Hope Cemetery in Logansport, Indiana to bury the urn that contained her ashes. We scattered rose petals on her grave and the beloved relatives nearby, including my baby brother Bruce, Grandpa & Grandma Conroy, Aunt Lerna and Aunt Esther. There were no tears. Dad placed the urn in the ground. I tossed a bit of earth into the hole. But we ultimately concluded that Mom wasn’t there. She wasn’t in the urn. She wasn’t in the hole. Instead she was living in our hearts and at one with the Universe. 

Over Mother’s Day weekend she gave us signs that she was in a good place. Pennies on the sidewalk or a chair; a Black Hills gold bracelet appearing on the dresser; the owner of the house next door that Mom had wanted to buy and tear down for decades coming by to offer the property for sale; and even a sign that she was looking out for the little girls who had been murdered 20 miles away in February.

The next day my husband, my sister and I went back to the cemetery to look for the graves of family members who had passed many years before — my maternal great grandparents, Aunt Kate, Uncle Mart, Uncle Al and Aunt Marguerite. That is when it struck me that the rituals of death, burial, headstones and  memorials provide us not only with solace, but also a window into the past, a reminder of those who came before. There is something peaceful and fascinating about looking at tombstones of those who walked this earth in another time, reminding us of the continuum of time, the power of the Universe, the vagaries of life, the knowledge that life is finite and to celebrate each moment we have. I am reminded to be grateful for each day. Perhaps that is the gift of the ritual. 

I love you Mom and miss you every moment of every day. But we are better for having had you in our lives and know you will be with us in our hearts as long as we live. 

Landscaping Therapy~

When we purchased our home on a rocky ridge at the edge of the Shenandoah Valley in 2006 it never occurred to us that 11 years later we would still be wondering if it were possible to tame this wild land. After much trial and error we ultimately learned that to give a perennial, shrub or tree a fighting chance at survival it would be necessary for use to rent a bobcat with an auger, create holes that look as if a herd of gargantuan moles have invaded, supplement the microscopic particles of soil that have hidden amongst the shale with peat moss, organic matter, and various chemicals, invest in native plants that flip evil deer the finger, spray fungicide and deer repellant copiously, and pray.

This spring it was decided that if we want our outdoor environment to provide the lushness we envision while we can still ambulate to the back yard / deck, it was time to accelerate the plan. Over the last month we removed the rudimentary stone walkway that had become overgrown and replaced it with a professional quality flagstone path and retaining wall that caused me to think I may have been a stone mason in a prior life.

This weekend - trees and shrubs that are appropriate for the landscape, planting zone, sun exposure and infertile soil. Plaintiff is therapy for me. Creating an outdoor space that is filled with beauty as a result of our collective vision and physical labor brings a feeling of accomplishment like no other. Whenever a plant successful roots and thrives I feel such an abundance of hope and positivity and wonder at the miracles of our Universe.

Landscaping, plaintiff, gardening, digging in the soil, smelling mulch or harvesting rocks rests my brain and soul. I completely forget about the stresses of my regular job, heal, and recharge. There truly is no better therapy. 

Remembrances of Easters Past

This is my first Easter since Mom passed away; and it was interesting to reflect on my memories of Easter from my childhood. In the 1960s Easter was a time of renewal, which also included new clothes — an Easter dress, an Easter hat, and a new spring coat. Mom would sew nearly identical coats and dresses for my sister and me. New clothes were not whimsical purchases. We were treated to new dresses at Easter, a birthday, the start of school and Christmas. There was no such thing as casual shopping. A new dress and coat at Easter was a treat that just happened to coincide with the need for a spring coat.

Looking at old images it is mind boggling to recall that one had to wear a hat to church! Head covering was not optional. I also remember shopping at Grants [a local 5 & Dime}  for spring hats. We laughed hysterically at some of the outrageous offerings. I remember in particular a white knit hat shaped with cardboard that had multitudes of black beads hanging l like icicles in rows surrounding the pillbox. 

Mom continued to tradition of hunt for Easter eggs and filling our baskets with chocolate eggs,Peeps, jelly beans and plastic eggs filled with dimes until we were in our 20’s — because it was fun. Then we would gather for the traditional Easter meal of baked ham, blueberry muffins, green bean casserole, and (bleh) candied sweet potatoes (which I was not forced to eat for reasons best left unsaid). 

When I awakened Easter morn this year knowing Mom was no longer available to call to reminisce about those fond memories of childhood, I asked her to send me a sign that there was a heaven, that she was okay, that she could still hear me, that I wasn’t alone. The rest of the day the same thought kept repeating in my mind “ This is the day the lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad”. 

I can state with absolute certainty that outside the confines of a Catholic church that phrase never entered my mind. And yet, all day yesterday the thought cycles through my brain. I knew it was Mom telling me that she was okay, that there was a heaven, and that I needed to celebrate life every day and embrace whatever the Universe offers. I have today. I must celebrate each day with joy and gratitude for having the good fortune to wake up, hop out of bed, get dressed and greet with open arms and an open mind what opportunity is available. 

While the phrase did not resonate with me previously, I now understand what this means: This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad. 

Thank you, Mom.  I miss you!

Wishing for Harmony & Collaboration in the Political Process

The political environment in the USA is so challenging that it is difficult to consider any concept of collaboration or focus on what is truly appropriate for the majority of the American people. The polarization of the political ideology is frustrating. If Ronald Reagan and Tip O’Neil could find a meeting of the minds, why have those elected to office after this generation been so obstinate?

We are a people of individualism, oriented towards freedom, filled with compassion, focused on the underdog, but intent on exploiting out “can do” attitudes to elevate ourselves to success. We as a people do not promote or condone passivity, seeking handouts or a government nanny state. Only those who seek to profit from the hard work, endeavors or toils of others truly look to the government to give hand-outs. 

The founders of our republic believed did not foresee our abrogating independence to ensure domestic safety. Those who sought “liberty or death” did not believe that giving up rights in exchange for the perception of safety or a safety net was of value. Liberty, freedom, independence, free thought, the right to exist without undue taxation, the belief that people should have certain rights that should not be curtailed by an oppressive institution, are the foundations of our Constitution.

The federal government was envisioned as a system of checks and balances that did not favor one viewpoint exclusively. The Senate provided equal representation for each state; the House of Representatives provided representation based upon population. The Supreme Court is meant to keep Congress or the executive branch from abusing powers. But modern political process fueled by lobbyists, special interests, political polarization, pandering to voters, and the attempt to grab a few media soundbites has compromised the process. I am disgusted.

Essentially, the political parties have devolved into liberals who advocate for socialism that has failed in every environment in which the experiment has been tried vs. conservatives that want to foist their own skewed view of morality on the populace while funding pet projects and talking out both sides of their mouths regarding “entitlements”. 

The country is essentially 50% liberal and 50% conservative. Most folks believe in a strong military, continuing social security and Medicare since those who have actually worked pay into the system. Religion and morality cannot be legislated and should remain outside the purview of Congress. Those cities or counties that flout the federal government by offering sanctuary to illegal residents should lose funding. If I ignore the law, there will be repercussions. Municipalities do not have a right to my tax dollars funding their programs. Frankly, the federal government should not subsidize any municipalities. States, counties, cities, towns, townships, boroughs, etc. should pay their own way.

The entire process if fatiguing. The arguing is mind-numbing. I’ve lost respect for the entire political process. Neither political party represents my interests. I am disgusted.

My Ideal Guest List for a Gathering of Women in History

In my efforts to become reacquainted with my literary muse I began to consider who I would love to invite if I could be granted a wish to host a gathering of fascinating women in history. My invitation list would, of course, be eclectic and not necessarily follow typical methodology. Instead, my retreat would include women I would love to chat up or invite for a cocktail if the Universe would allow. No weapons, poison, excessively lengthy scarves, vitriol, plotting or political intrigue allowed for the event.

Eleanor of Aquitaine                                            
Empress Matilda / Maude                                  
Matilda of Flanders

Isabella of France                                         
Elizabeth I of England                             
Lucretia Borgia

Catherine the Great                                     
Queen Victoria                                     
Martha Washington

Alice Roosevelt Longworth                                  
Princess Grace of Monaco                                    
Queen Isabella of Castile 

Catherine of Aragon         
Kitty Wilson Evans                 
Catherine de Medici  
Catherine of Valois          
Joan of Navarre                
Elizabeth Woodville                 
Harriet Tubman  
Harriet Beecher Stowe          
Abigail Adams

Marian Anderson  
Sally Ride  
Amelia Earhart

Rosa Parks  
Florence Nightingale  
Coco Chanel

Gertrude Ederle  
Pearl Buck  
Margaret Thatcher

Tz’u Hsi          
Matilda of Canossa  
Katherine Swynford

Zenobia         
Marie Curie   
Caroline Herschel

Pocohantas  
Christine de Pizan
Jane Austen

Livia Drusilla  
Cecily Neville  
Theodora

Maria Teresa of Austria 
Sojourner Truth  
Maria Tallchief

Isadora Duncan  
Indira Ghandi  
Golda Meir

Julia Child  
Mary Chestnut  
Rose Greenhow

Mata Hari  
Margaret Fuller  
Helen Thomas

Louisa May Alcott  
Erma Bombeck  
Isak Dinesen

Antonia Fraser  
P.D. James  
Anne Rice

Edith Wharton  
Mary Pickford
Varina Davis

Shirley Chisholm  
Ayn Rand  
Nancy Hart

Admittedly, this is a disparate collection of personages that makes up my dream gathering of female icons that include authors, rulers, traitors, diarists, trail blazers, scientists, artists, activists, and women who were fascinating by virtue of birth / place / time / marriage / political pawn / or other inadvertent relationship. 

Who would you include for the conclave? Please offer suggestions. 

Trying to Let Go of What I Can’t Control

A month after Mom’s funeral I emerged from the fog and gently began to live in my new world without her. It has now been 2 1/2 months. Some days are good. I laugh and days go by without my shedding tears. Then there are days that I want to crawl in a hole, cover my head, and cry.

Plunging back into my regular routine of yoga, wine tasting, and trips for work in which I spend time with other people who have experienced loss and survived has helped. But last week I had several days where I allowed my enhanced sensitivity to overwhelm me, which resulted in the long dormant recurrence of TMJ on my right side, which made it nearly impossible to open my mouth or chew. Of course it could not have come at a more inopportune time at work. 

My dad had been fragile for a couple of days but was preparing to take the cruise that he’d planned to take with my mother to celebrate his 85th birthday. At the last possible moment his traveling companion failed to show without any advance notice. Daddy decided to board the ship and enjoy the cruise anyway. I was livid that somebody would exhibit just disrespect, lack of commitment and unfathomable rudeness and allowed my resentment to ferment, boil, and infect me. 

I tried meditation and my usual process of releasing resentments. However, it was not until I looked at my Louise Hay calendar yesterday and saw the positive thought for the day that I felt a release. I was reminded of the tools I’ve learned through my years in Al Anon, my yoga practice, and journaling.

“I am not responsible for other people. We are all under the law of our own consciousness.”

Wow! That completely changed my mood and my attitude and helped me to let go.  I have no control over the actions of other people. But I do have control over my own reactions to other people and situations. If my dad had the bravery, sense of adventure, wherewithal and commitment to living his life to the fullest to embark on the cruise alone, perhaps that is what was meant to be. It may be the right path to healing for him. 

Clothes Do Matter ~ Dressing for the Job You Want

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. ~ Mark Twain

During and following the 2016 US Presidential Election people have expressed anger, frustration, surprise, shock and disdain that much of the electorate in part judged Hillary Clinton’s suitability for office based upon her much maligned wardrobe. Her ardent supporters argued that clothes don’t matter; she should be judged instead upon her views, her passion, the fact that she is a woman and her years of experienced in government.

For me Ms. Clinton’s wardrobe misfires contributed only a scintilla of the basis for my inability to support her candidacy. However, for many people her lack of sartorial elegance, focus on tailoring, or her just plain flawed sense of fashion stated boldly, “I do not care how I look; I do not really want to be president; fashion is inconsequential; respect me for my mind and excuse my wardrobe.”

But that is not how we as humans react or respond. An individual only has a few seconds to send an initial impression; and if it is negative, it takes enormous effort to change that first impression. It is for this reason that image consultants thrive in modern society. It is also why John T. Molloy became a best selling author with his Dress for Success books in 1975 and 1977. Molloy offered men and women scientific research to support the theory that clothes matter. He positioned that one should dress like he/she already had the job.

A potential employer will judge an applicant’s likelihood of fitting into a company’s culture based upon the job-seeker’s clothing choices, hairstyle, grooming, shoes, visible piercings or tattoos, facial hair, or appropriateness for the occasion.

Rightly or wrongly, people judge us on how we present ourselves to the world. Some argue that men are not judged as harshly as are women. That is to some degree true; however, Ronald Reagan was judged negatively for wearing brown suits when it is believed that only dark blue or gray exude power and gravitas. Barak Obama created an uproar when he wore dad jeans. 

Because men in the business and political worlds rely upon classic suits to look professional it is simpler to project the image one expects of a leader. However, there are landmines to avoid such as a European cut or a double-breasted jacket. Women have more leeway in presenting a professional image; however, it remains the fact that it is safest to wear a well tailored traditionally styled navy, gray, or black suit. This look represents power, intelligence, confidence, and success.

Theodore Roosevelt on Becoming American

“In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. If he tries to keep segregated with men of his own origin and separated from the rest of America, then he isn’t doing his part as an American. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language here and that is the English language, for we intend to see that the crucible turns our people out as Americans, and American nationality, and not as dwellers in a polyglot boarding house; and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people; Theodore Roosevelt  1907

Theodore Roosevelt, arguably one of our greatest if not the greatest president, made the following statement which is as critical to the continued health and vitality of our republic today as it was in 1907. 

The USA functions best as a melting pot in which all who come here to live, seek sanctuary and become members of our society assimilate. That means adopting our culture, learning our language, heeding our laws, contributing to the support of our government, paying taxes rather than accepting subsidies or seeking special exemptions or treatment, finding a job, and accepting our views of freedom, capitalism, education, polytheism, political system, and that we as Americans have no duty to change or adapt to the immigrant just because the views of the newcomers are different.

Our schools should not be required to offer classes in any language but English. With total immersion a child will learn our language. Providing bilingual studies inhibits assimilation. 

My parents became the adopted grandparents of Vietnamese child who came to their small town in Indiana at the age of 6 or 7 and  had nobody for “grandparents day” at school. They tutored him. He learned English through immersion, graduated from school with excellent grades, joined the US Military, assimilated and found an excellent job.  I am proud to consider Henry as a nephew and family member. Henry is part of our glorious melting pot. This is what is should mean to become American.

Libertarianism as the Foundation of the USA

A signifiant number of Americans that identify politically as either a democrat or a republican are ideologically Libertarians. Thomas Jefferson was a Libertarian thinker as were John Locke and Thomas Paine.

American independence, Manifest Destiny, westward expansion, pioneer spirit, prairie individualism, and  individualism lies solidly within the Libertarians ideology.  It is the deep seated belief that individuals make choices and are responsible for their actions. A true Libertarian believes that individuals have the inherent right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness with the knowledge that government should be limited and not infringe upon property.

Libertarians believe in the Rule of Law, personal responsibility, and the moral duty of each citizen to respect the rights of others without unreasonable incursion or interference by government. Libertarians are rightly suspicious of too much power in the hands of too few officials. As we have all seen throughout history, power is a corruptive, corrosive force. 

Thomas Jefferson noted that “We have more machinery of government than is necessary, too many parasites living on the labor of the industrious.” Regretfully, this recognition of Jefferson has been expanded exponentially since he walked this earth.

The principles upon which our nation were founded include individual liberty, individual freedoms, the right of the individual to own property without government intrusion, the rights of the individual states to establish laws for the citizen that reside there, the recognition that the central government should have limited powers, the rights of the individual to work hard and enjoy the fruits of his or her success. 

These are also the tenets of classical liberalism, which has been highjacked by the progressive socialists that believe if I work hard I should give the government my money to support those who do not work hard. 

Perhaps each person who has swallowed the Kool-aid of progressive socialism should consider attending a 12 Step Program for a period of time where those who are hurting learn: do not do for another what he or she can do for oneself as it robs the individual of the chance to succeed, achieve, learn a valuable lesson or fail and learn resilience. If we as a society never allow an individual to hit rock bottom, we deny them the chance to rise like the Phoenix from the ashes. This is tyranny.

Whatever Happened to Civility?

One’s political persuasion does not matter to me. However, accepting that each individual American has the right to his / her own opinion and the right of expression without vitriol does.

Have we all forgotten the premise that citizens can agree to disagree, accept that it is unlikely we will persuade others to believe as we do, accept our friends, family members and neighbors are not aliens from outer space and treat people with kindness and respect?

Whether one be a Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, Socialist or Progressive don't we all owe our fellow human beings common courtesy?

The Bill of Rights gives citizens the right to free speech, freedom of assembly, the right to protest, the right to petition, the right to bear arms and the right to exercise freedom of religion. Peaceful protest and demonstrations such as the Womens’ kitty hat marches and the Right to Life march are protected by the US Constitution whether we disagree with those who demonstrate. 

What I find so unfathomably frustrating in 2017 is that rather than trying to understand and appreciate that we all have the right to hold different antithetical opinions, rather than respect for the differing opinions the discourse is obnoxious. 

Purported Christians, far right zealots and religious folks denigrate and treat moderates, libertarians, liberals, progressives and defenders of abortion rights, equal treatment under the law of all humans and those with differing opinions as heathens, sinners, evil, tree hugging, elitists  who have no clue how real Americans live. 

Progressives and liberals seem to chastise or portray conservatives, moderates and libertarian minded Americans as deplorable, uneducated, misogynist, racist, homophobic,  xenophobic, narrow-minded bible thumpers yearning for a world that no longer exists and  is stuck firmly  in the 19th Century.  

The average American is a centrist without an ideology that fits squarely into the narrow categories or boxes drawn by the media. 

What is abundantly clear, however, is that modern Americans seem to have rejected the premise that in civilized society one should act with civility or afford consideration and respect for our fellow human beings even when we strongly disagree with them. 

The institute for Civility defines the term thus:

“Civility is claiming and caring for one’s identity, needs and beliefs without degrading someone else’s in the process.”

Consider this by Thomas Jefferson, who reconciled with his dearest friend and political opponent John Adams after years of estrangement:

“I never considered a difference of opinion in politics, in religion, in philosophy, as cause for withdrawing from a friend.”  {4/22/1800 in a letter to William Hamilton}

The Grieving Process & A Glimpse Through the Fog

The first three weeks after my mother's death I existed as if in an alternative universe enveloped in fog. My brain was frozen and my emotions at the surface ready to plunge me into despair at the sounding of a note of music. The fissure at my very core was so deep that the very acts of getting out of bed, pouring a cup of coffee, turning on the computer for work or reading a document seemed an out of body experience.

It is a blessing for me that I have friends and coworkers who have walked this path before and joined the exclusive club that nobody wants to join - the club of individuals who have lost a parent. In particular the death of a mother wrenches the soul like no other loss - she who gave us life.

I've cried. I've tried to read books and articles regarding the grieving process. I've talked to others who have recently experienced the death of a parent. Yet, each of us deals with such a profound loss in a different way. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. There is just grief -  a feeling of unfathomable loss that permeates every molecule of one's being and threatens to tear asunder the very fabric of one's life.

My husband, friends and coworkers have provided support that I could never have anticipated.  Death brings out the best and worst in people and I've been fortunate enough to have experienced mostly the  extraordinary goodness and caring that humanity can offer.  Alternatively, sometimes death brings out the frozen inability of a soul to react. But I will not judge. I cannot judge because I do not know what issues linger of the psyche of any individual that causes him or her to react in a certain way. I only know that I appreciate the outpouring of love, appreciation, condolences and amazing stories shared by people who were touched by my mother. 

I am also grateful that my father is surrounded by family, friends, retired teachers, members of his community and church and fans of his news articles and radio program that will give him love, appreciation, support, a kind word, an offer of a ride to dinner or church, keep an eye on his house, share a drink or give him a hug when he needs it. What a testament to the contribution both of my parents have made to their communities!

So today I am able to uncurl myself from a fetal position, arise from my bed at the appropriate time, shower, dress, and log onto my work computer with the ability to concentrate and focus on emails, requests for guidance, and input on critical evaluations and strategies. Again, it is baby steps that I take with awareness that there will be times when I am frozen or cannot function. But it is progress!

As I had the good fortune to learn during my years of experience in Al Anon, I celebrate each step forward, appreciate even the smallest bit of progress, do not denigrate myself for being where I am at any given moment, and let go of any resentments. And yes, I've released my frustration with Mom for dying. I will most likely need to let go over and over; but, eventually I will let go and come to accept what is. Mama is here with me in spirit. I will continue to feel her presence in the beauty of a sunrise or sunset, the appearance of a cardinal or blue jay outside my window, in the spring flowers, in the aroma of a soft rain, and in my sacred memories of her voice, touch, smell, shared experiences and exuberance for life.