Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Trying to Let Go of What I Can’t Control

A month after Mom’s funeral I emerged from the fog and gently began to live in my new world without her. It has now been 2 1/2 months. Some days are good. I laugh and days go by without my shedding tears. Then there are days that I want to crawl in a hole, cover my head, and cry.

Plunging back into my regular routine of yoga, wine tasting, and trips for work in which I spend time with other people who have experienced loss and survived has helped. But last week I had several days where I allowed my enhanced sensitivity to overwhelm me, which resulted in the long dormant recurrence of TMJ on my right side, which made it nearly impossible to open my mouth or chew. Of course it could not have come at a more inopportune time at work. 

My dad had been fragile for a couple of days but was preparing to take the cruise that he’d planned to take with my mother to celebrate his 85th birthday. At the last possible moment his traveling companion failed to show without any advance notice. Daddy decided to board the ship and enjoy the cruise anyway. I was livid that somebody would exhibit just disrespect, lack of commitment and unfathomable rudeness and allowed my resentment to ferment, boil, and infect me. 

I tried meditation and my usual process of releasing resentments. However, it was not until I looked at my Louise Hay calendar yesterday and saw the positive thought for the day that I felt a release. I was reminded of the tools I’ve learned through my years in Al Anon, my yoga practice, and journaling.

“I am not responsible for other people. We are all under the law of our own consciousness.”

Wow! That completely changed my mood and my attitude and helped me to let go.  I have no control over the actions of other people. But I do have control over my own reactions to other people and situations. If my dad had the bravery, sense of adventure, wherewithal and commitment to living his life to the fullest to embark on the cruise alone, perhaps that is what was meant to be. It may be the right path to healing for him. 

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